Depression: The Insider's Stigma

So I had this whole post planned on gender-roles/stereotypes in my relationship and blah, blah and it was partially typed and I never finished it because, honestly, I just don't care about that right now. And since this blog is turning more therapeutic than political, here's what I do care about right now:

Here's the thing. I've had low grade depression (aka dysthymia) for probably the last 11 years. It's only been diagnosed and treated with medication and semi-regular therapy for the past 2.

I talk a really good game about acceptance of mental illness, supporting people getting help, etc. I tell people about it, and about the eating disorder I had in HS that I feel was a symptom of it. I want to go into Music Therapy to help people through mental illnesses (among other things). I like to look at my past through rose colored glasses and say that the things I went through in HS and college made me who I am today and that's a good thing. Depression was a learning experience. I rail against stigmas against mental illnesses.

But the real truth is, when I look at my own depression, I mirror all the "ridiculous stigmas" right back to myself. I don't really have depression, I'm just weak. I shouldn't need a pill to be able to deal with my life - what's so difficult about it? I don't want outside chemicals controlling my body. When I'm on ADs I feel fine, so do I really need it? I'll talk about my depression to friends or people my own age, but no one in my extended family has a clue because I don't want them to think I'm weak or crazy.

Guess what though - I'm realizing that's not my voice. That's my dad's voice. He thinks mental illnesses are BS. Nonexistent, fake problems. Furthermore, he thinks doctors and medicine is a waste of time. Sound familiar?

No one who has been close to me for 5 years or more will argue that I'm not a different person than I was before medication, not even my dad. I know without a doubt that I'm a different person on medication. After being on ADs for about 6 months I looked back at pictures of myself as a little kid and could finally feel and remember what it actually felt like to be that happy, carefree, pre-puberty person.

I love the days and lately weeks where I don't have to think about my depression. It's so easy to forget about it - forget what it feels like to be sinking into an emotional hole that you can't see the way out of. It's deceptively easy to start to think maybe it was all a bad dream. Maybe you don't have depression, not really. You were just having a hard year (or 10). Things are better now and so you don't need therapy. Maybe you only need half your medication every day. Maybe you don't need any!

I do this every few months, and it always has the same results. I know it's exhausting for the few people who are close to me and honestly, I'm exhausting myself too. It's tiring to convince yourself of something you know really isn't true and then try to mentally backtrack when you start to slowly fall apart again. This time I'll call the doctor. I'll remember my medicine every day. I'll refill my prescription on time. I'll find a new therapist or go back to therapy. I promise. And so I'll do one or two semi-positive things and vow to do more "tomorrow", which will improve my mood, which will start the cycle all over again. This time I went to a new city in a new state, thinking I could outrun my depression. But now I'm just here with a lot more stress and a very small support system, none of them professionally trained to give me advice or medication.

Here's the truth, in black and white on my computer screen. Typed by my own hands:

 I have depression. I might have depression for the rest of my life. If I forget about it it will creep back up again. It always does. I don't like it. I don't like accepting it, or accepting that it's probably going to be a part of me for the rest of my life. 

My depression sucks, end of story. It's not some magical faraway looking glass that makes me more empathetic. It's not some glamorous political statement of how the media or families or life in general can screw someone up. It's a big, dark hole that I'm always standing on the edge of. It's soul-crushing exhaustion, lethargy, apathy. It's complete lack of faith that I have anything worthwhile to offer the world, that I just mess things up or am someone people have to "deal with."

I have a list of doctors I can call in the area who accept my insurance and can give me a new prescription and a referral to a therapist. My depression wants me to feel proud that I set up a list but then leave things like that, not make the calls, not do the real legwork. It wants me to hide behind being scared, being embarrassed, denying my illness, not wanting "pills to control my body." Because my depression wants to control my body, my mind, my life. I'm really hoping that this time I have the strength to stand up to it and do what I have to do to be healthy.

I'm bringing back this blog as sort of a tool of my own personal growth. If anyone cares to read and follow or offer support or advice, that rocks too! Here's an example of the free writing (typing) I've been doing lately. Names aren't included (just initials) to protect my and their privacy.

I'm really trying to focus on improving my life, building my life here in MA. This means I need to figure out what I want from my life and how I want it. I have a really promising 2nd interview on Tuesday night with a job that I think will be fantastic for me. I would be able to build a music curriculum with K through 3rd students and possibly become a founding member of a growing charter school. Would this change my grad school plans? Maybe, maybe not. I'm open to the possibility of staying in this job for more than a year if I really love it and see growth.

I need more socialization in my life. I spend a lot of time with BF and I love that but I need girl time badly. B works a lot and often strange hours, and she often spends time with A (her BF) whenever she can. Friday dinners have helped and they're a great thing to look forward to each week - especially since B usually has Friday off or opens. But I need more than that. I need girl friends to chat with about things that I'm interested in - gender, feminism, psychology, music therapy, media literacy. I need to get off my ass and go to these feminist meetup group events and stop being such a chicken. I need to make connecting with my long-distance friends (like S, K, L, M) way more of a priority. I need to keep trying to make new friends here, even though that's really scary for me.

I love it here but I need to make this more of my home. Right now it's a place where I live (I love my apartment 90% of the time), spend time with some people (C and the roomies) and work. But that's not enough. I know it took a while for Ithaca to become my home and most of that was the people. I can immediately feel at home in a place if I have even a few people I care about. I know that this can be a fabulous home for me.

Blogging and journaling will, I hope, get me thinking more and give those thoughts some more substance. Right now I'm setting a goal to write weekly about whatever I want - just freewriting.There are so many new, exciting, interesting things going on in my life and in my mind right now.

Some possible topics are:

My apartment - this place has real character. We have an adorable old Armenian couple as upstairs neighbors, a tacky but sort of charming mural on our dining room wall, a few dying plants and constant home improvement projects always in the works thanks to my roommate who has found a new hobby in amateur carpentry.

My jobs - The fact that I have a nutty schedule, interact with some really interesting people every day and work with kids could probably be a blog in itself if I wanted to. These kids crack me up, tug on my heartstrings and test my patience daily. As much as I complain sometimes, I couldn't ask for better "starter jobs" after my graduation in December.

My relationship - C and I have been together now for 1 year and 7 months and our relationship is always interesting. We're dealing with this really interesting "post honeymoon" phase where we're learning a ton about each other, our communication and how we work as a couple.

Obamacare: Friend or Foe?

My wonderful boyfriend (Happy 9 months yesterday by the way! Even though we're 5 hours apart and I was super sick and gross all day!) sent me a text saying that by August 1st of next year all birth control would be free, with no copay. This also includes:

• women's well visits (which I'm assuming is the PC way of describing the horror that is the gynocologist's office)
• HPV and other STD screenings
• breast pump rentals
• domestic violence screenings
• testing for gestational diabetes
• the morning after pill (*inserts gasps of horror here*)

So, I for one think this is fabulous. Right now I'm paying $15 a month for birth control. Which, no is not breaking the bank, but come on. I'm a student making $8 an hour hosting and bussing tables at a restaurant and trying to save money so that I don't have to live on Ramen when I graduate in December and have to find a job in this GLORIOUS economy...

But, alas, the Right Wing is PISSED. It's like they have a whole bunch of ridiculous scare tactic metaphors that they just wait to use on FOXNews. Here are some fun ones I found by this woman Sandy Rios who I'm now happily Googling:

“Why in the world would you encourage your daughters, and your granddaughters, and whoever else comes behind you to have unrestricted, unlimited sex anytime …”

Why does needing birth control = being a big slutty slut? If you have ONE sex partner for your WHOLE LIFE there's still a huge risk in getting pregnant. Someone needs to give Sandy a "birds and the bees" talk again. I don't think she got it the first time. Also, there are many MARRIED people who use birth control. You know, because everybody can't be super cool like the Duggars... And people who don't have sex use birth control too for acne, cramps, etc.

Yes, I am well aware that some people are flaming morons who are unaware of the whole concept of "you probably shouldn't have a baby when you have no money." But, call me Suzy Sunshine, I really think that most people are trying to do the best they can. 

She also said, in this same clip, “In Red China, they have this down to a science. The local health care centers make women come in every month to be examined to see if they’ve had their cycle to make sure they are taking their medication and if they have a baby they are roundly punished, if they have an extra baby that baby is aborted. That is the control we’re moving toward.”

Who said who to what now? So, let me try to get this straight. YOU as a Right Wing, anti-abortion woman, think that it's your right to tell people they shouldn't be having sex and you don't want to pay for any of it, BUT making birth control free is the same as FORCED ABORTION? Just because something is free doesn't mean you're forcing the person to take it... I wish politicians would stop comparing apples to oranges.

"We’re $14 trillion in debt and now we’re going to cover birth control, breast pumps, counseling for abuse? Are we going to do pedicures and manicures as well?”

Honestly, this woman makes me sick. She's comparing DOMESTIC VIOLENCE COUNSELING to a PEDICURE?!? Are you kidding? Helping someone get out of an abusive relationship and a beauty treatment? I hope someone shoves that comment down her throat if someone she cares about gets raped or abused. I can't even say anything intelligent about this because it's just ridiculous. 

I think if you're trying to get someone to agree with you you probably shouldn't say things that are extremely, horribly offensive to 90% of the population. But...maybe that's just me.

Oh, and just one more from my mother's favorite, Bill O'Rielly. "Most women who get pregnant are blasted out of their minds when they have sex. They're not going to use birth control anyway."

Well, Bill, all I have to say to this is: The only way any woman would have sex with YOU after that is if they were blasted out of their minds. Because you're an asshole :)

Random Vent.

You thought you'd gotten rid of me didn't you? Here's what I want to know:

WHY IS MY PRESCRIPTION OF BIRTH CONTROL PILLS $15 A PACK?!? I mean...I'd much rather pay $45 for 3 months than say...pay to raise a kid on the $8 an hour I currently make, but still. Come on! Apparently, the GENERIC form of BC I'm currently on is $73.08. I have health insurance, which pays for exactly $28.08 of it.

I've been looking into the NuvaRing for a while now because I've been having some nausea symptoms (which, *knock on wood* haven't been bad for a few weeks). So, I decided to call my health insurance provider! Until I graduate, I'm covered with my parents' policy, Horizon Blue Cross  After listening to some truly horrible hold music, talking to an animated voice and being transfered a couple times, I found out that if I go to the pharmacy and get a 3 month supply, my copay would be....

*drum roll please*

$120!
EFF THAT!!! I'm sorry, that's absolutely ridiculous. I'll stick with the pill. It may make me nauseous sometimes, but the idea of paying $40 a MONTH to protect myself WITH insurance is out of control.

It really makes me wonder why birth control is so expensive. Is it really that complicated to develop/produce/package that I have to pay that much a month for it? I really believe that making it financially and logistically difficult for women to have control over our bodies is something we should be more outraged about.

"Wrap Up"

I hope to continue this blog after Women's Studies, but this is my last entry as an official member of the class. I've learned a great deal in this class - both about women's studies in general (history, issues, schools of thought, etc) and about my own personal beliefs.

There have been some really positive things that helped me with my personal growth. I am taking an Intro to Developmental Psychology class, which meets right before Women's Studies. I have been able to look at things in Women's Studies from a developmental perspective and developmental psychology from a women's studies perspective. I also have some fantastic, intelligent, opinionated friends and a wonderful boyfriend who I've been able to bounce ideas off of and get alternative perspectives. I've really tried to keep my mind as open as possible during this class - to not necessarily just recycle all my old ideas but to really think about my own opinions, beliefs, biases and shortcomings as a woman and human being.

As a senior who will be graduating in December, I have been rather obsessive about trying to figure out what to do after graduation. I will graduate with a degree in music education and vocal performance and I've already passed the Praxis which means that I could theoretically get a teaching job in 25-30 states (hopefully by the time I graduate public schools will still HAVE music programs...*ahem*...another topic for another day...). But do I WANT to spend my life teaching music?

I took Developmental Psychology and Women's Studies to explore some of my passions that I have let lie dormant over the past 3 1/2 years of juries, hearings, performances, recitals and lesson plans. Lately, however, I have started seriously considering going into Music Therapy.

Women's Studies and this blog has helped me figure out some things that I didn't realize I was passionate about. I have always been a feminist, but how do I put that into action? For me, this blog has made me realize how passionate I am about body and sex education. This does NOT just mean "here's how to put the condom on," but rather has many components. Each link is a link back to a post that I wrote about that topic or something similar.

I would like to find a way to:

• Helping women to learn about their bodies, in both a sexual and non-sexual way through promoting body exploration - once again in a sexual (masturbation) and non-sexual way (creating a "mental image" of your reproductive organs and how they work)
• Feeling more comfortable and empowered in situations that deal with bodies - for instance, in the gynecologists office or with a sexual partner. Knowing what to expect and how to be assertive with your needs, wants and questions.
• Knowing all the facts about your reproductive system and your reproductive rights - sexual experiences, the risks and rewards, STD's and non-sex related gynecological issues, rape, birth control (before, during and after), fertility awareness, pregnancy, menopause
• Feeling confident and comfortable in your own skin. Getting rid of negative body images, stereotypes and expectations. Feeding your body and soul in a way that makes you feel strong, competent, healthy and beautiful and making your own informed choices.
• Empowering a dialogue. We live in the information age, but I think face-to-face or voice-to-voice is the most powerful way to impart information. Teaching parents to talk to their kids (and vice versa), knowing where to go for information (doctors, Planned Parenthood, therapists, etc.)

For the next leg of my journey, I think I will be researching ways that I can help with these goals, specifically in a way that I can use my passion for music and education. I like to talk and I love to make music and I think that I can "be the change I wish to see in the world" through these in the future.

Abortion FACTS

After watching "12th and Maine" today and seeing all of the pamphlets given out by the pro-life clinic, I wanted to know the real facts. People tend to talk about abortion in very abstract terms, especially pro-choicers. We are more invested in the circumstances surrounding the abortion, the reasons women may need to have abortions, etc., because our argument is CHOICE. So here are some facts about what actually happens if someone makes this difficult choice.

First of all, as someone who is pro-choice, I do NOT believe in abortion as a birth control method. I think that as a choice, abortion should be a last resort and people need to be as proactive as possible about their sexual health. Although I ranted about different contraception methods in one of my other posts, they are very effective when used correctly and using contraception is the responsible thing to do.

Also, if you've had unprotected sex recently (i.e. within the last 5 days), there are other options. The "morning after pill,"(technically, emergency contraception) which is sort of like a "super pill," lots of hormones to stop implantation. Also, if it's been less than 5 days since you had unprotected sex you can also have an emergency IUD implanted, which also can prevent implantation. Many people still consider this abortion, but it is much less invasive and hey, you can't make everyone happy.

• Medical Abortion - also known as chemical abortion, is the use of certain medicines, usually taken in several steps over a period of 2 weeks to terminate a pregnancy. The medications soften the cervix, stop the growth of the placenta and/or encourage contractions. Medical abortion can only be done during the first 9 weeks of pregnancy, causes moderate to heavy bleeding (similar, I'm assuming, as if you had a natural miscarriage) and has a slightly higher risk of infection (1 in 100,000 can lead to death). It also usually requires a few visits and a medical followup.

Surgical Abortion - There are 3 kinds. *WARNING* -- sort of graphic. However, I got them from WebMD, so they are factual.

• Manual Vacuum Aspiration - uses a tube attached to a syringe to draw the fetus out of the uterus. It can be used from 5 to 12 weeks after the last menstrual period.
• Machine Vacuum Aspiration - uses a tube attached to an electric pump to draw the fetus out of the uterus as the above. It can be used during the same time period (5 to 12 weeks after last period).
• D&E - uses a combination of vaccum aspiration, forceps and dilation and cutterage (D&C is what you get when you have a miscarriage after 12 weeks, btw, because you can get a severe infection otherwise).  It can be used from 12 to 24 weeks, requires one visit and usually a sedative and local anesthesia. It has less of a risk of infection and is 99% effective.

There are complications with these procedure, as with any.

• Normal symptoms include irregular bleeding (for up to 3 weeks), cramping (for up to 2 weeks) and what they call an "emotional reaction," (which can include sadness, anger, guilt, regret, relief, or a range of depression symptoms. The website warns that prolonged symptoms of depression need to be talked about with a professional). 
• Also, they warn about heavy bleeding, clotting, severe pelvic pain, fever etc. because these can be signs of complications. However, less than 1% of patients experience serious complications afterwards.

I believe that anyone who is sexually active should have the facts, for if they ever need to make this difficult choice. They need to have as much information as possible about contraception and methods of pregnancy termination. For instance, WebMD recommends sexually active women to have emergency contraception or a prescription for it on hand at all times.

So many of the young women who went to the "Pregnancy Health Clinic" seemed to have no idea about abortion (or birth control for that matter...I hate to judge, but I wanted to give the girl who was having her 2nd abortion in a year a pack of Trojans and a prescription for the Pill...) and got all kinds of wrong or exaggerated information from the women at the clinic.

They also got lied to about how far along they were in their pregnancy. Knowing about their bodies and menstrual cycles would be helpful here. I think that the best way to prevent all this headache and heartache is prevention. Access to and information about sex, contraception, abortion and reproductive health is the best way for people to make informed sexual choices, whether or not they are choices other people necessarily agree with.


P.S. I got all my information for this blog post from here and the links below.

Impostor Alert!

My best friend and I are your classic girl duo - both feminist, both perfectionists, both hard working, both (unfortunately) suffering from our own personal demons at times, both with lots of goals and lots to talk about on those rare occasions we can talk on the phone or see each other (she goes to school in Virginia, we usually consider ourselves lucky if we can see each other three times in one year).

Our conversations are never dull. One topic, I've been meaning to write about for months. It's called Impostor Syndrome.

According to this article, people with Impostor Syndrome are "unable to internalize their accomplishments." They often shrug away success as dumb luck, good timing, work, personality OR immediately start thinking of the task ahead instead of enjoying or congratulating themselves for their success. They constantly feel that those around them are smarter, better, more able then them and that they will eventually get "found out" as a fraud.

Say you got an A on a midterm in a difficult class. Instead of being excited about it, you think, "Well, I only got this grade because I studied so much, not because I'm actually good at the subject," "Well, the test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. If it had been on all the information I'd never have done as well," "Well so-and-so got an A on this test and didn't even have to study. He/she is so much smarter than I am," or "Well it's a good thing I did well on this test, because I'm definitely going to fail the midterm...and this is a sequential class, so I have no idea how I'm going to do next semester...maybe this degree is too difficult for me."

I know SO many women who suffer from different severities of impostor syndrome. Going to college for music is a breeding ground for all kinds of perfectionist insecurities. Everyone is always trying to be a little bit better, do a little bit more, work a little bit harder. As a vocalist you should be in choir...and do the opera...and opera workshop...and a summer program in Italy...and sing in masterclasses...etc, etc.

My best friend is a classic example. She's a math major and double minor in art history and the Classics at a competitive college. She has a 4.0 GPA, 3 part time jobs, is involved in a service fraternity and heads multiple clubs, runs marathons...and still feels like she's never good enough!

On a positive note, impostor syndrome often makes women compete harder for their goals. It's what made me audition 4 times for the performance degree when I could have easily gotten a music education degree and not have gone through all the headache of the past 4 years. It's what makes another friend of mine stay up late making sure she has the perfect lesson plans for student teaching.

Impostor syndrome is perfectionism on steroids. Perfectionism is saying, "I need to be perfect." while impostor syndrome is, "I need to be perfect to hide the fact that I'm actually a failure." Impostor syndrome can be at the root of all kinds of mental health issues - depression/anxiety and eating disorders especially. The funny thing is that when you have depression, it's even more difficult to be wonder woman...

I only wish that we could get off the treadmill of our culture-on-overdrive. Stop talking to ourselves in a nastier voice than we would EVER let anyone else speak to us. Stop looking into the future and trying to be thinner, smarter, better, richer, more popular, more successful and actually start ENJOYING the lives we have RIGHT NOW.